his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
