Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hippo gnu deer
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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