wake up i wanna do it froggy style
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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