i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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