Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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