Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
