I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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