I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
