As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
its liver damage thursday
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
