even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
