I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
