Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
