my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
