I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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