God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
