We won't sleep together?
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm getting married
To pizza
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
