i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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