where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
