this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
