My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
