Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
