just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
