Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
