so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
