I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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