i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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