Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
