I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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