By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
