ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
