also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
