You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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