Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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