If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
