That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
