Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
