Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
