True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
