You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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