I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
