Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
