I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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