The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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