I accidentally had phone sex last night
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
