I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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