I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
