life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
