Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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