My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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