who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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