my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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