I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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